an actual recording of me singing lead

Firstly, let me start off by saying that I have no dreams of being a singer or even a musician. I did the music thing and I quickly realized that I am not gifted enough to make it. I'm okay, low-level good but not amazing by any means. As a drummer, I know that I get away with A LOT because I'm a girl. I get away with even more because I'm a tiny girl that actually gets a decent amount of volume out of my kit. My strength is that I have good timing but that’s where it stops. As a singer, I'm sub par. I have a nice, some might say pretty voice, but I don't stand out. This sounds like I'm bashing myself or maybe this sounds like I'm fishing for compliments. It's neither. I'm okay with all of this. God has given me enough ability that I've been able to have a lot of fun with music, but my legacy will never be in music. It will be in poker. That's a lie. I don't know how to play poker.

Anyways. Once I moved to Nashville I figured that I would never be doing music again. Again, I'm not trying to make it, but in IL I've gotten to be the token girl background singer on a couple of friends’ projects and I’ve missed not doing that. Honestly I don't care if anyone ever gets to hear anything that I do, I just love singing backgrounds. I love hearing how much a song can change by what I sing or how I sing it. I love trying to match my voice to sound like the person I'm singing with. I've been the background vocalist for so long that I don't even really know what my voice sounds like. I've sang lead for a couple friends' songs, but they told me pretty much how to sing and I did what I was told.

My friend Robin Ghosh (who is an incredible producer and engineer) has told me several times that he likes my tone. He arrived at this conclusion after standing next to me in church during worship and hearing me sing a bit in small group. Because he's been so complimentary and I don’t feel like he’s going to belittle my voice, I asked him to record me doing How Deep the Father's Love for a Christmas present for my parents. I also asked him to play classical guitar on it because he is a sick classical guitar player.

So he did all of this and more. I recorded the song and hit notes that I didn't think I could hit because he was confident that I do it (they're not high...I just don't have a huge range), my friend Michelle Thompson who has an amazing voice came in and sang BGVs, Rob had a Cellist come in and play (Rob wrote the parts), Rob recorded keys and guitar, and he also managed to have one of Nashville's top session drummers come in and play percussion.

The reason I chose this song is because I knew that I was able to sing it. Like I said, I don't sing lead very often so I'm still becoming aware of what I'm able to do. That's not the only reason I picked it though. I love old hymns and I love that this song is written in that style. I think that hymns are much deeper than modern worship songs and this particular song I love the lyrics to. I sang this song on Easter Sunday at the Warehouse Church in IL 3 days before I moved to Nashville and the day after I totaled my car. There's a lot tied up in this song for me.

Ok so this is a really long explanation. A few of you have asked to hear this so I thought I would post it. I hope that you enjoy it.

Rob, thank you so much for doing this for me. My parent's loved it. My mom cried like you hoped. You are an amazing friend and I know that you're going to great things. Thanks for being in my life.

http://www.mediamax.com/erinlee/Links/FD37BE3F1A

"You're not really a girl"- James Harrington

I'd like to think of myself as an enigma. For example-

I played shows almost every weekend and probably at least 2 times a weekend in indie rock band for 4 years, but I don't like to stand up and make announcements in church or play any sport that requires people to look at me.

I play drums, but I like girly stuff like tea rooms

I've been called a tomboy, but I love wearing dresses.

I love girl movies, but hate the color pink.

And the list goes on.

Again I'd like to think of myself as mysterious, but in reality I'm just insane or in other words female.

Tonight I watched Elf with the Thompson Family and taught Michelle to knit. There's another one to add to the list. Yes I'm 25, single, and I sit home at night and knit.....this is a relatively new activity for me. 25 and single isn't new though. That has been going on since April. It replaced 24 and single.

So I'm officially an old lady when I knit and wait for children to go to bed so I can sneak a frozen pizza in the oven.

Insane, mysterious, feminine, call it what you want, but you're the stupid head reading this.

75 in December

Am I allowed to write something short? Am I capable of writing something short? I know I am short...I'm told that at least once or twice a day.

Today was incredible. It was 75 degrees. I wore a t-shirt, set up a table outside to work in the beautiful sunny weather, and tonight I didn't have to wear a jacket. Amazing.

Besides the amazing weather, I was fortunate enough to see Over the Rhine at the Belcourt Theatre. I'm not good at describing things so yeah, absolutely magical. Imagine a small old theatre, a woman with one of the most incredible voices that I've ever heard wearing a long dress, jangly piano, violin, upright bass, an amazing guitarist, mandolin, jazz drums, Christmas music, blues, jazz, old country, and a band that knows what they are doing and are enjoying it. Magical. Check them out.

A Christmas Card from Erin

This is the true meaning of Christmas. I mean that sarcastically of course. Here's a prime example of the craziness. You know the group of women that have sent their husbands into hiding by their crazy actions and the group that is helping me to keep the man of my dreams at a safe distance (I said helping Michelle, I know that I do a pretty darn good job on my own), well last year they coerced me into doing this. It took forever and I don't think I've ever laughed so hard...okay so maybe when we all made each other have big southern hairdos. I wish that we would have recorded us walking around with the faces and hats still on our chins. I couldn't look at them while they were talking without busting out laughing. Oh by the way, one husband was brave enough to record this for us. Poor Soul. Enjoy it and we will not speak of this again.

Dancing in the Living Room

Goodness, how do I start this? Let me first start by saying that I'm pretty much crazy and the woman that I live with (Michelle, hi!) is even crazier and brings out the craziness in me. My best friend Julie has the same effect and Michelle's best friend Mary is nutty as well. When the four (sometimes five when Mary's 18 year old daughter Sarah is present) of us get together the husbands of these women go into hiding. My husband has been in hiding for quite some time now. Actually he's never surfaced and is shaking with the realization that someday he's going to have to face me, but until then, he remains MIA. Poor guy. Pray for him okay?

Let me change the tone of this for a second. I haven't always acted this crazy, well at least not to my knowledge. In fact, I'm a pretty insecure person and if you've read prior blogs I'm sure you got that point. I can pretty much pinpoint the moment that my self-worth took a dive. I was in fifth grade when I really noticed that my parent's were raising me differently from everyone else. I grew up in a fairly strict household and my parents did everything that they could to keep me innocent and for that I thank them. Sometimes I feel it might have been a bit extreme but they really wanted me to become a Godly woman and to stay pure so they did what they thought was best. Unfortunately now I say really dirty things without having any clue as to what I'm saying. I'm pretty naive still.

So while I was in fifth grade, I noticed that I was more sheltered than the rest of the kids. At that time I had a cousin that was a model. She was on a LIFE cereal box, the front of the Sears Wishbook, and a bunch of other stuff. I thought that I could make friends with people because of my relation to her. This is not unusual for a child or unfortunately even adults to do. When I told the popular boy in class, Brandon Walsh, about my cousin, he said and I quote "I sure hope she doesn't look like you". This statement from a 10 year old boy has haunted me and has been a pain in the butt to overcome for the past 15 years.

I don't say any of this fishing for compliments. Please don't comment on my looks to try to make me feel better because I'm not playing that game. I'm not trying to get attention and with God's help, I'm trying not to play that girl game anymore...you know the one,
Girl: "I look fat."
Boy: "no you don't you look beautiful"

I’m writing this because I want you to know where I'm coming from.

I like everyone else in life, have developed my share of crap that has made my life, shall we say, interesting. The older I get, the more I realize how much baggage everyone has. You either let it control you and blame it for your failures or you embrace it and with God's help, it helps shape you into the person that God want's you to be. I fluctuate between both.

For the past few years God has put people in my life that have been able to help me realize my value. I always thought that God never spoke to me, but in reality he speaks to me through people everyday and the past couple years he's been really at it. Michelle has definitely been one of the most significant people to help me understand that I'm valuable. The whole Thompson family has been HUGE in helping me feel less insignificant and all this happened when dreams where taken away from me. The dream of doing music full time was torn away from me and the dream of a future with a certain guy vanished. I honestly think that the latter one would have gone away sooner but I had a death grip on it. Both of these plans temporarily made me feel important and valuable. They were my "cousin is a model" in my adult life and once they were gone I was broken. Here enter the Thompson’s. I could talk about this forever, but essentially, this was what I needed at this point in my life and slowly but surely I started coming out my shell because I was understanding that my self-worth wasn't based on what I was doing with my life or who I was with. I now live with the Thompson’s in a different state and I work for John. Moving to Nashville threw me out of whack for awhile. Before moving I was feeling pretty comfortable with who I was and who I was becoming, but as soon as I moved I felt as though I had to start over again.

Now I finally feel like I have a place here. God has placed people here in Nashville that have been so encouraging and have gone out of their way to make me feel valuable. I feel needed here which is a HUGE thing for me and I feel that I have a purpose here. I feel like this is a major step in my journey and I'm extremely excited to see where God is going to take me. I had no plan on my life taking place anywhere but Illinois, but here I am.

Last night I went to church. I sat in-between two boys that were both being rowdy and disruptive. I tried to get up and move and two times I was pushed back into my seat. Last night after church I went out to eat and I was teased and people remembered what was going on in my life. I knew everyone there and I'm starting to have history with them. Gosh I can't believe that like 6 or 7 months ago, Whitney and Peter asked me to go out to eat for the first time with their group after church. I felt so uncomfortable and didn't know anyone. I can't believe that there was a time when I didn't have anyone to sit with at church and I remember the first time that I sat with Peter and Whitney and felt so excited that I actually had people that I sort of knew to sit with.

Last night I was driving home thinking about this and just thanking God that this is happening. It feels so right. I feel like I'm where I should be and because of that I'm more confident than I have ever been. Please don't think that I'm super spiritual, because I'm not. I'm a horrible Christian most of the time. So I'm driving home in my car absolutely giddy and when I arrive home a spontaneous Christmas tree decorating party is going on in my house where more of my friends are decorating our Christmas tree with the Thompson’s. There's hokey Christmas music playing and everyone is singing bad harmonies in bad opera-like voices while decorating the living room and then a dance party breaks out. We all dance like idiots to my Rat Pack Christmas CD because we all know each other and we know that we are broken crazy people and the Thompson's house is an environment were every knows they're valuable and because of that you can dance like an idiot even though you're completely insecure about your dancing. It was amazing. Kelley you were missed.

This was really long and probably doesn't make any sense or flow and I applaud anyone that made it to the end.

2:30am

I did it again. I feel asleep in front of my computer 2 hours ago. I often will lie down on my bed to check my e-mail and fall asleep. This is not unusual. It happens too often. I'm too lazy to walk upstairs and take out my contacts and do the necessary things to get ready for bed. I can fall asleep pretty much anywhere and when I'm tired, I crash. This happens most frequently when watching movies or TV and it has happened in the presence of pretty much everyone I know. Don't take it personally. I'm not bored by your company. When I'm tired, my body shuts down. My mother falls asleep EVERYTIME she sits down to watch a movie. She has dubbed this problem cinematic narcolepsy. Don't ever ask her opinion on a film, she'll tell you that she didn't like it while the truth is that she only saw the first 10 minutes of it.

Okay so why am I writing this? Like I said I fell asleep in front of my computer. At 2:12 am I heard a subtle knock on my door and a little voice calling "Airwin". Little Jesse (3) comes in and crawls in my bed because according to him "he had a bad dream about dinosaurs" (I'm almost positive that's what he said. I was still half asleep). With a quizzical look on his face he asks me if I was sleeping and comments about the fact that my light is still on. I mean come-on he's not allowed to sleep with his light on and there's monsters in his room (or at least he makes me check for them anytime I put him to sleep). He asks me to get him a drink of water (he tells me that it would be so ahMAzing to get a drink of water) so we go upstairs to do that. While he's sitting on the toliet watching me take out my contacts and wash my face, he makes this statement "Airwin, we should stay up ALL NIGHT and get lots of dwinks of water". I told him no that he needed to go back to bed and take him in his room and lie him down. He asks me what time it is and I inform him that it's 2:30 and time to go night night. He says that 2:30 is not bedtime; 8 o'clock is bedtime. So I try to explain to a 3 year old that he sleeps through 2:30 every night, but I know it's lost on him.

He's now asleep. I just wanted to share this because it is so funny to me how much my life has changed in the past few months. I love it. I knew parenting was a huge responsibility before I moved, but moments like this remind me how self-sacrificing of a job it is. Being a mother has to be THE most underappreciated job and it has made me appreciate my narcoleptic mother so much more. Yesterday morning he woke me up at 6 by knocking on my door (you see, he has a gate on his door and has started climbing over it). I vaguely remember telling him to wake up his brothers. I’m not a saint all the time or ever actually. Well I'm going back to bed, but I will leave you with a couple of my favorite Jesse quotes as of recently-

While painting with me, I was trying to help him write his letters, he yells "I know how to draw letters. I am SO a grown up!"

This afternoon while his parents are setting up the Christmas tree, Michelle mentions something about the base for the tree and I overhear Jesse exclaim. "I know what a bass is!!! It's a guitar!!!"

May your dreams be lacking in dinosaurs.

Back

Here's a list of why it's nice to be at Nashville-Home.

1. They had cake upon my arrival. It wasn't for me. It was for Michelle because it was her birthday, but it was still cake.

2. Extremely long talks with Michelle while I should be working.

3. Jesse (3) waking me up in the morning after I get home by switching on my light and saying "Airwn, I'm ahWAKE!"

4. Wesley (12) today super excited to show me that he can play the solo from Hotel California.

5. Trin (11) is watching Xanadu as I type this.

6. After hearing that I was going to take the kids to the Opryland Hotel to get pizza Jesse says "That would be SOOOOOOO AHmaZING!"

7. Jordan's (14) awkward I don't know if I'm emo, goth or scene phase where his t-shirts have to be a specific size and black and his overuse and misuse of the word apparatus.

8. Dinosaur hugs and kisses on the cheek from the man in my life, Jesse, and the phrase "I missed you SOOOO much. Yeah I did."

9. Much warmer weather and cooler coffeehouses (they would be even better if their wifi would work)

10. Cake.

While sitting at Midway

It is 6:30 pm and I am currently sitting at Gate B22 waiting for my 8:35 flight. I never time these things right no matter how hard I try. All throughout the terminal people are spilling out of the pubs trying to catch a glimpse of the Bears game. They must be doing well because every once in awhile I can hear cheering above the music on my iPod.

So here I am my last night in Chicago sitting in a very crowded airport eating the turkey sandwich (Thanksgiving leftovers of course) that my mother made me cursing the fact that I didn’t buy a bottle of water before I sat down and got my laptop out and feeling self-conscious about the piece of turkey that I know I have stuck in my front teeth. My “lunch bag” also has a bag of those Christmas shortbread cookies with red and green sprinkles on them and a note that says “Don’t Forget! Love Mom” on a napkin. Now I’m going through the check list in my head wonder just what the crap did I forget?

This weekend has been great and weird all at the same time. I’m so extremely glad to be home and see all my friends and family. I missed everyone to the point of insanity (no joke), but at the same time I’m starting to feel like my place in longer in Illinois. Everyone has new crazy stories that don’t include me (of course they not nearly as good), they’ve moved on with their lives and that’s totally to be expected. Although EVERYTHING is way more familiar than Nashville, it feels foreign at the same time. The little town that I lived in has exploded and changed in the 7 months that I’ve been away. I feel almost as out of place here as I did when I first moved to Nashville but at the same time completely comfortable like I never left. I don’t know how to describe it.

So here’s a brief recap of the weekend starting at Friday night.

Britney and I did end up hanging out, but I didn’t get to watch my detrimental to my emotional wellbeing girl movie (that’s okay I watch plenty of those in Nashville). We ended up acting like geeky boys that live in their mom’s basements and played Wii. Believe it or not I’ve never played and I’ve decided that I shouldn’t be allowed to play ever again. I got a little to into it and am still feeling sore today. Somehow I got my foot caught in the arm of the futon and almost face planted on the floor. I’m sure Jake, Britney’s husband, had no idea that we would be playing Wii and acting obnoxious (mostly on my part) when he left. In your face Jake!!! We’re not nearly as predictable as you thought.

At 9:30 my friends Matt and Bethany picked me up for the swanky party. I did end up wearing my cowboy boots. I didn’t know that no one knew that I was coming or the fact that it was above a funeral parlor (hilarious) and when I walked up the stairs past the grave stones for purchase I was greeted by shocked looks and people screaming my name. One of my friends picked me up and spun me around. It was amazing and most of the night people kept telling me how glad they were to see me. Too much attention was spent on me and I feel like a real jerk. You guys are great!

Saturday my family and I boarded the train and went downtown. Most of the day was spent at Daley Plaza at the German Christmas festival. It was really, really crowded and when you are a short as I am, it's hard to see anything at festivals or concerts. For some reason the tall guy always picks me to stand in front of.

At this very moment I accidentally caught eye contact with this dude and he just sat down next to me. Out of the corner of my I keep catching him looking at my laptop. Anyways back to this weekend.

While downtown I got to eat Giordanos so my Chicago experience was complete. It was cold, there were tons off people, Christmas lights, and amazing architecture. I could have done without the cold and the tons of people, but it was still awesome.


This morning I went to church. Oh gosh I forgot what it was like to have absolutely everyone know you at church. During the meet and greet portion of the service I think I received more hugs than I have in the 7 months that I have lived in Nashville. Randy announced that I was here from Nashville and a cheer went up. It’s crazy how great these people are to me. The worship team consisted of 4 long haired middle aged men playing Sabbath sounding worship tunes. I couldn’t help but smile through the whole worship thinking about how weird Warehouse is and how much I love it and all the people that go there. I realized looking around the room that I knew almost everyone there and knew all of there stories and they knew mine. I really miss that familiarity with people.

After church I went with my friends Benjie and Amy to Mandy and Ryan’s house and we all sat around, chatted, and ate leftovers from meals that I wasn’t a part of. Amy and Benjie like always had something very wise and profound to give me. I don’t know how these two know me as well as they do, but I swear they are the most perceptive people that I know and I think they understand my quirks better than I do.

Late afternoon I got to spend a couple hours with my best friend Julie and things picked up right were they left off. Nothing had changed. We just had a little bit more to talk about and as always a ton to laugh about.

So here I am at Midway, the boy that was next to me has now boarded another flight because unlike me he wasn’t 2 ½ hours early. Hey Nashville, Chicago didn’t convince me to stay. I don’t know why, but it didn’t. Guess it’s just further proof that this was God’s plan for me.

Sweet Home Chicago.

Thanksgiving morning I woke up at the ungodly hour of 5am. Yes, I do believe that God has nothing to do with any time before 8 in the morning. 5am is of Satan and is almost as evil as rock music (surely you know that I kidding about rock but I am still quite serious about early morning). Anyways, my wonderful friend Rob came and picked me up at 5:30 (yes believe it or not, I got ready in a half hour) and drove me to the airport.

My guy friends in Nashville are awesome!!! I can't get over what they pick up on and how willing they are to help me. I am EXTREMELY independent and have a really have a hard time letting people do nice things for me because I feel like I'm being an inconvenience. Knowing that I'm like this, these guys call me out on it and do awesome things like putting air in my tires (thanks James!) and in turn I've cooked a couple, in no way culinary masterpieces, meals for them. It seems to work out quite nicely. All this said, Rob picked me up at 5:30 and knowing that my favorite hard candy is Lemonheads, he brought me a huge box of them to eat while waiting for my flight.

The flight went well, better than the last time I flew home when I got stuck in security and they were calling my name overhead and I had to sprint through the terminal and even then once I got to my gate, the plane was pulling away, they had to re-dock it, and I had to walk onto the plane with everyone looking at me, and the couple next to me looked at me like I was of Satan, like 5am. I abhor being the center of attention and walking onto a plane where everyone has been seated for quite sometime and you're the girl that held up the whole flight, made me want to vomit. So this time was great. Yeah, those lemonheads, I ended up spilling them all over the plane. I didn't notice it until we landed and some mom started yelling to her 3 year old "Don't eat those, they have Corn Syrup in them". To avoid being the center of attention again, I bolted off that plane as fast as I could. I recall a time as a child when I spilled my lemonheads at the movies. You could hear them rolling down towards the front of the theatre.

One thing that I love about Nashville (and I guess the South in general) is that everyone talks to you. It really took me off guard when I first moved here. I would be sitting at a coffee shop reading a book and a person would strike up a conversation with me or my banker would ask me out on a date (creep). People are just really friendly. As soon as the plane landed and I saw the snow and when I accidentally bumped a lady in the terminal with my bag and she gave me an evil, evil look, I knew I was home. Oh the North.

Thanksgiving Day my aunt and uncle came over with my twin cousins who are 4 almost 5. There was a lot of food and lots of noise. My mom decided that for Chanukah she would buy the twins obnoxiously noisy toys. I've decided that when I have children (the longer I live with 4 kids the more likely it's going to be IF I have children) they are not going to get toys that play the same sound bite over and over again, or play the same 30 second song clip that only changes octaves and repeats over and over again and if someone buys them toys like that, magical elves will come in the night and clip the magical wires to the magical speaker.

Today my mom and I went to the day after Thanksgiving sales. I don't know why. I don't really like shopping and this is the worst day of the year to go shopping, but we did like idiots. It was nice to spend some time with her though and it really wasn't that bad.

Tonight I'm hanging out with my good friend Britney. She's going to cook food for the single girl that she feels sorry for and we'll probably watch a girly movie that will either A- make me feel awful about my single status or B- make it even harder for guys to win me over. Either one is healthy.

Late tonight, I'm going to Josh's annual swanky cocktail party and going to see a bunch of people that I haven't seen in the 7 months since I moved. I didn't know that I was going to be going to this and didn't bring any of my swanky clothes so I'm going to wear my cowboy boots. Yup. They are comfortable so that's what I'm going to wear and I'm going to just deal with the comments that I will get.

Tomorrow we're going downtown and Sunday is church at the good old Warehouse where I will be asked a million times if I'm dating someone in Nashville, but will get to see the friends that I miss the most. I'm sure that we will go out to eat and then hang out at Caribou where I will listen to all my philosophical friends talk and I will wish that I am as smart as they.

Nashville I miss ya, but it's great to be home. John, so far I don't have Stockholm syndrome.

chocolate like crack

This past month I've learned that I am a dark chocolate addict. I'm not using this term lightly either like most people. You often hear "I'm addicted to chocolate" translation- I really, really like chocolate. Not me. I'm a dark chocolate junkie and this behavior intensifies when I'm under stress.

This past month has been crazy. I have been in the middle of a magazine deadline that has been the deadline from HELL. My job as the Advertising Director for HM is to get X amount of dollars in advertising every issue by a certain point. Well this issue has never reached the X amount of dollars mark. Pretty much anything bad that could happen did - people pulling out, people not returning my phone calls (my biggest pet peeve... don't tell me you want to do something and then just avoid me. Have the guts to at least tell me no), normal advertisers not having any releases to advertise etc etc etc. I had to be the bad guy on a couple occasions and I didn't like that much.

Anyways during all of this I inhaled dark chocolate. I think one day (the worst day) I ate almost a whole bag of individually wrapped Dove candy. The more I got stressed, the more I would need a "fix". At one point I remember panicking as I shook the bag because I didn't think there were any left. The joy that I felt when I heard the last piece hit my desk was sickening. I thought about saving it for another crisis, but no, I ate it. I've been known to keep one piece hidden in case I need a quick fix. This horrible behavior began when I moved.

So this week I was out of chocolate and while picking up a few things at Target (another one of my addictions), behold right in front of my eyes conveniently located at the end of the isle for all nut jobs like me, dark chocolate peppermint mocha frappuccinos. The Angels sang, I ended up walking out of Target with way more than I went in for like always, and today I drank the last one. But don't fret, because tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I'm going home to Chicago where at my parent's house there will be tons of food and I will be spoiled rotten by friends and family because they missed me or something. I really don't deserve it.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving!
Erin

God's Promises

Tonight was another amazing Woman's Study and one thing that really hit me was the speaker's comment about when you are needing reassurance for steps of faith that you are talking, read God's promises in the Bible. It hit me that God knows everything about you, everything that you are going through and although these promises are definitely tied to something specific to the time, they are also for me. Let me explain further. I know that this sounds so cliche, but God knew each circumstance that I would be going through and even if that promise was written specifically for let's say Abraham, God still knew that someday I would be going through _____ and that I would need to hear that promise. So he said "This promise is for Abraham but also for my Erin who is going to go through _______ thousands of years from now and I know this. I love her and she'll need to hear this." Oh my gosh!!!! That is so incredible and probably something I should have gotten a long time ago.

Hoodies

So tonight I walked out of my office (which is a garage that will one day be an office) and I was extremely happy to feel a bit of a chill in the air. I love fall. I love the colors, the excuse to wear a light jacket (I love jackets), and the various drinks that come out at coffee shops (pumpkin spice). I love how relaxed and lazy it makes me feel. I love the apple picking, the hayrides, the pumpkin patches. I don't know why but it seems magical to me, like I'm a little kid again with nothing to worry about, it feels like something out of a movie. My soundtrack as of late has been jazz and old standards. Hello Sinatra and Bennett. Hello Over the Rhine, Mindy Smith, and Norah Jones. Hello Hoodie.

Building Others Up

So here I sit in my room...on my bed amongst my whole wardrobe that needs to be folded. It's getting close to fall here although the weather of late is not reflecting that. But because fall is around the corner I had to run out to Target and buy a fall smelling candle. After 3o minutes of getting high off of scented wax, I opted for the Pumpkin/Orange/Something-or-other candle. It is currently lit and smells like...pumpkin/orange/something-or-other. The only thing that would make this situation perfect would be a cup of hot apple cider, a Norah Jones' CD, and a sweater...and the clothes being off my bed magically folded in their proper place. Oh, and being outside under a starry sky...but to quote The Jerk "that's all I need".

Tonight was my 2nd Woman's Ministry Bible Study. I didn't want to go. I was in a bad mood (for no reason..just wanted to be in one. I'm a girl and therefore I'm entitled to being in a bad mood every once in awhile because I have girl emotions..okay so not really, but you wouldn't have been able to convince me of that earlier) before leaving and I kept tying to convince Michelle (she was grumpy too) that we should blow Bible Study off and be grumpy and disagreeable at a coffee shop. Well we were good and went. I know that I had a sour expression on my face when I walked in because Michelle was laughing at me.

The discussion we are doing is called Five Smooth Stones in reference to the five smooth stones David choose to defeat Goliath and

1 Timothy 4:7-8 Have nothing to do with godless myths and old wives' tales; rather, train yourself to be godly. For physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come.

and in regards to godliness we are studying this verse 11b ...but set an example for the believers in speech, life, in love, in faith, and in purity.

So we are discussing how as women speech, life, love, faith, and purity apply to our being godly and tonight was speech and I was grumpy.

It was awesome. This is definitely an area were I struggle. I too often forget the power of words in our lives. Ephesians 4:25 says

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs that it may benefit those who listen.

There is so much that I can touch on there, but I will refrain from talking about everything that comes to mind. Probably the biggest thing that stood out to me tonight was self talk (which I've mentioned as a weakness before) and Bad words.

I would say that 2/3 of the things that I say are not building others up or benefiting those who listen, but building me up and benefiting me. Kim said that bad words (not just profane language although that's part of it) do not release the power of the Gospel in the moment and the leave the stink of self.

I came to realize tonight (again, nothing I say is original and I would never claim that it is) that without the Holy Spirit, I'm so focused on my agenda and what makes me feel good I'm not capable of saying things that build others up according to there needs or benefiting those who listen. I know that I will never be perfect, but I pray that I will be so in tune with God that I can become a woman of God that lets the Holy Spirit filtrate everything I say so that what comes out of my mouth is not self promotion, but what Kim said "unveils the hidden Gospel in the moment and leaves the scent of Christ". I know that this will never be perfected until God calls me home, but I'm going to strive to let God control my speech. Wouldn't that make me an awesome wife someday? Hmm another reason that God is keeping me single for now perhaps?

I guess I'm learning a lot about what Dying to Myself means lately.

Community

So this my friend is Nashville's very own Parthenon. There's a somewhat legitimate reason as to why we have a Parthenon, but that is a story for another day. I put a photo of it because I spent Sunday afternoon at Centennial Park (that's where this monstrosity is located) beneath a tree with a sandwich and my Brennan Manning book. It was wonderful!

This past Thursday we had our first small group at the house. When John and Michelle first looked at the house, one of the features that excited them the most was the carport because it is the perfect place to have outdoor gatherings. And it has been. We have it decked out in red and white Christmas lights, have tiki torches lit throughout the yard, candles, and usually have a ton of coffee available. To me, this is what heaven will be like. No joke. Or the perfect date. Christmas lights and coffee and I'm happy. We had around 12 people show-up. It was bitter sweet because it made me realize how far my relationships with all of you back home had come

In The Signature of Jesus (the book I'm currently reading) Manning has a lot to say about the importance of community. I found these to be really insightful-

"Today we need small bands of people who take the gospel at face value, who realize what God is doing in our time and who are living proof of what it means to be in the world but not of the world. These "base communities or neighborhood churches should be small enough for intimacy, kindred enough for acceptance, and gentle enough for criticism. Gathered in the name of Jesus, the community empowers us to incarnate in our lives what we believe in our hearts and proclaim with our lips"

God help me to be able to be this way in every part of my life, in every conversation whether it be deep or lighthearted, and in every situation. I think Manning sums up a lot about why community is so vital.

I also really like this quote by Scott Peck "There can be no vulnerability without risk; there can be no community without vulnerability; there can be no peace - and ultimately no life - without community"

Vulnerability is so essential to our spiritual growth. The sooner that we admit that we don't have it all together, the sooner we allow Christ to change us and others to help us. We aren't perfect, we aren't superhuman, and we all have a lot of baggage. We might as well be honest with each other and continue growing. What is the true but somewhat cliche phrase?- "The first step is to admit that you have a problem"

Well community is starting for me here. Tuesday I have woman's ministry at church, Wednesday I have girl's night here at the house, and Thursday we have small group. This weekend my incredible friends the Miller's will be visiting. Thank you Lord for making us yearn for Community. It would be pretty darn boring to go through life alone.

Life as a Single 25 year old Female

This first picture is from several weeks back. My camera battery died while I was taking it, so it isn't the greatest image ever, but it does contain photographic evidence to blackmail both Wesley and James with. Here's the story-

One night Michelle and I decided to take over the TV yet again to watch one of our girl movies. This is usually how it happens-

Erin: "Michelle hey why don't we watch an English period drama for the hundredth time"
Michelle: "Yay" I'm not able to describe the Michelle face that goes along with this, but if you know her, you've seen it.
John: "What are you guys watching? Oh gosh, I'm going to bed"

So this was one of those nights. John had taken Jordan to some Emo/Goth/Hardcore such and such band concert that night and Michelle and I rented Wuthering Heights, but this time Michelle had the bright idea to call James and flat out ask him to watch a girl movie with us. The stupid-head agreed and said he'd come over knowing full well what he was getting himself into....well not quite.

While James is innocently making his way over to the Thompson's, Michelle, Trinity and I got the bright idea of putting on Michelle's old prom dresses. This was done with a lot of what one might call giggling and when James arrived, we awaited him on the couch in our 80's prom dresses (mine was actually a 1960's dress that one of Michelle's mom's bridesmaids wore) and tea cups and saucers in hand. At first James didn't notice because I would (and I might) wear that green dress on a normal day (it was really cool), but I think when he saw Michelle wearing her big poofy pink 80's prom dress (over her jeans and hoodie), he was a little freaked out. Wesley later joined the festivities wearing my mother's bridesmaid dress and we made James drink his Gatorade out of a pink polka dot cup with matching saucer.

Wesley and I have been watching Lost together in my room at night. It has been a lot of fun, but makes me regret not taking the time to do this sort of thing with my real little brother. Tonight we watched some more of season two and when we finished, I had to drag him out of my room 3 times before he would go to bed. He is an AMAZING kid and I adore him. I don't know what I would have done when I first moved here if the Thompson kids weren't around. We've spent a lot of time together and so far I think we all still like each other.

The Foolish Things

1 Corinthians 1:27-29 But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things - and the things that aren't - to nullify the things that are so that no one may boast before him.



I love how "out of whack" God chooses to do things. I can't get over how we (the church) so often judge the abilities of a person and decide that that they are not capable of doing God's work. This decision a lot of times is not based on what is Biblical, but on what we find is appropriate by OUR standards. I'm guilty of this as much as the next person. We find that person's flaws and because they aren't the perfect example of what a human in ministry should be, we dismiss them. God chooses whom he deems fit, and usually that's not who we would expect. It is so refreshing that the lowest of low can and will further the kingdom and that's how God likes it. For someone that grew up with perfection in mind, it is so amazing how messy spirituality really is.



The Thompson's' arrived home today from Chicago with a new toy for Jesse (the 3 year old) in tow. It's a Caterpillar that is about 2 feet long that moves and plays the same 20 second clip of a song over and over again. He's thrilled. I'm going to hide the batteries.



I just got off the phone with my best friend Julie. I miss her. The girl is amazingly crazy and I love her for it. Michelle told me that Julie thought that I was going to show-up in Illinois and surprise her. She walked around a party looking for me thinking that I was going to jump around some corner and yell "I'm here". That is one of the saddest things that I've heard. I can totally see her doing that. Despite the fact that I wasn't there, I got a Julie card (it had a basset hound on it) and a really beautiful scarf from the Czech Republic (where she went on a mission's trip) and a Japanese cartoon notebook that has a picture of raccoons, a cup of coffee, and smiling marshmallows on it (very Julie as well). I also received a really awesome dress from my mom in the mail today. This part of being away is nice. I never have gotten so many presents.



Here are some pictures that Whitney took on Sunday at the end of the summer party at Zach's house. This is the first party that I've gone to since I moved here that I felt comfortable at and truly enjoyed myself. It was such a great feeling and I was seriously giddy. NO JOKE.
So here are some of the people that you've probably heard me talking about.

Me with a baby. Go Figure.

Preparing the Meal. Which was amazing.

Heidi-Rae and I.

Some of the girls. Whitney, Jami, and Mendy. Yeah, I think I'm going to get along with them just fine.

Dan and I in serious discussion.

Sean and Dan in serious discussion.

The host and hostess. Zach and Bridget.

The pinata broke before anyone even hit it. So we had two pinatas.

Always a great idea to give Jami a metal pole. I haven't known her long, but this much I've gathered.

Peter and Whitney. Yeah they are too cute. Knock it off guys.

A great representation of the night. Good job Whitney!!!

On Being the New Girl

image- Fido's Coffeehouse This is where all the cool people hangout. They have great coffee and awesome music playing overhead so I like to go there to work.


This has been long overdue. Let me just preface this post by saying that I don't claim to be an incredible writer. I don't think that I would even go so far as to say that I'm a decent writer, but I do think that it will be beneficial to me to blog as I have the tendency to go through this world with my fingers in my ears and my eyes shut in order to not have to see all the garbage that is going on. Not only am I missing unpleasant things, but I miss a lot of the simple things that bring great joy to life. All that said, this is not going to be award winning work. Just me being me and hopefully this will be beneficial to the one writing and others reading.

To all those back in Illinois. I miss you so much! There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of you. You are so often in my thoughts that I take for granted that you don't have any clue as to what is going on here. Things are getting better. Actually they are going really well, but that is another topic for another day.

This is especially for my junior high girls back at home- Tonight for the first time in a very long time I did devotions. With the Thompson clan being home in Illinois, the house is especially quite. Too quite. I'm not used to this much silence.

I pulled out the Brennan Manning book that I've been trying to read for the past 6 months and started from the beginning yet again and this is what stuck out. Speaking on what real Christians should act like- "We will find ourselves not on the path to power but on the path to powerlessness; not on the road to success but on the road to servanthood; not on the broad road of praise and popularity but on the narrow road of ridicule and rejection." (The Signature of Jesus by Brennan Manning).

Galatians 6:14 May I never boast except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, through which the world has been crucified to me, and I to the world.

Wow.

1. Boasting is something that I'm really good at.
2. The world is still a huge influence in my life.

On boasting. I have struggled with boasting since as long as I can remember. Usually, if not always, it rears it's ugly head when I'm feeling insignificant which... is pretty much all the time.

Last year or maybe even the year before that, I made a point of not telling people that I'm a drummer. I bring that little fact up when I'm feeling out of place or not cool and usually I get instant cool points by saying that I am. It's sick and I hate that about myself!

I was doing fairly well back at home with not feeling the need to puff myself up. I still did it, but day to day there wasn't a need to. Everyone knew me, people cared about me, and for some reason, people even liked to hang out with me despite the fact that I didn't play drums in a band anymore.

Now I'm the new girl, in a very trendy music town, where no one knows me and everyone is WAY cooler than me. Boasting has reared it's ugly head once again trying to get the trendy cool people's attention. I feel so out of place here. Everyone knows someone or is trying to be someone. Everyone has amazing haircuts (I can't even get mine to stay straight in this gosh darn humidity) and cool clothes, and little, dorky, not impressive Erin is lost in the crowd going "hey pay attention to me". But you know what? The more I try to get people's attention, the more lost I feel in this crowd. No matter what I've done, I have nothing to boast about. The trivial little things that I've done in my life are just that, trivial and that's a relief to me because no matter what I do, I'm never going to impress everyone and if I have to impress people to get them to be my friends, heck with it.

John 15:5 ...apart from me (Christ) you can do nothing.

There is no reason for me to boast about anything. Any little bit of good I've done in my life has been Christ's doing, not mine. Everything crappy that I've accomplished is courtesy of yours truly, but God still loves me all the same and continues to use me to do amazing things. My biggest prayer right now is that I will understand how unworthy I am and how blessed I am that God is using me. I pray that he will use me to affect others and that I will be completely oblivious of what "I'm doing" and only see God working through me. Please pray for me to allow God to shape me into what he wants me to be and not try to be the creator myself.