Trust

Today the weather is gloomy...again. As much as I love how much warmer the winters are here, I hate how gray they are. At least in Chicago the snow reflects the sunlight and things seem brighter, but not here. Everything is drab. The grass is dead, the trees are bare, and the sky is gray. At home there are at least evergreens that help to add a little bit of color, but there are also subzero temperatures.

My life as of late has felt a lot like the weather here. One day it's sunny and 70 and the next 5 days are gray skies and 30.

I've realized that I have believed that life would wind-up being like the fairy tales I so loved as a kid. That if I remained the good girl everything would work out the way that I wanted it to and I wouldn't ever get hurt. That if I put the good girl coin in the magic God machine my perfect life would come rolling on out. The past few months have showed me that, that is not the case. Good things become difficult things, good people hurt you, and good intentions don't always go where you think they will.

I feel betrayed. I feel betrayed and lied to and it hurts and has left me very confused. I feel like I've been part of a big joke.

I was sitting in the eye doctors office this morning (my last contact slid down the drain and heck if I'm going to wear my glasses that make me feel self-conscious) and while I was waiting I read this.

Though we often disregard our need for an unfaltering trust in the love of God, that need is the most urgent we have. It is the remedy for much of our sickness, melancholy, and self-hatred. The heart converted from mistrust to trust in the irreversible forgiveness of Jesus Christ is redeemed from the corrosive power of fear.....

...The Basic Premise of biblical trust is the conviction that God wants us to grow, to unfold, and to experience fullness of life. However, this kind of trust is acquired only gradually and most often through a series of crises and trials....

...the essence of trust in the Hebrew and Christian scriptures: to be convinced of the reliability of God....

Uncompromising trust in the love of God inspires us to thank God for the spiritual darkness that envelops us, for the loss of income, for the nagging arthritis that is so painful, and to pray from the heart, "Abba, into your hands I entrust my body, mind, and spirit and this entire day- morning, afternoon, evening, and night.....

The way of trust is a movement into obscurity, into the undefined, into ambiguity, not into some predetermined, clearly delineated plan for the future.

-From Ruthless Trust by Brennan Manning

There was so much more in that chapter. I wish that I could type it all out. You'll just have to read the book yourself.

So I'm learning again. I really like learning but this is one of those moments where God is pulling my fingers off of what I'm grasping. I've been white knuckling it and it's painful. I am not in control of my future and no matter how hard I try I'm going to get hurt, but I can hold to the fact that God loves me.

Why is it that the most basic elements of the Christian faith are the hardest to grasp? I know that I have to CONSTANTLY be reminded of God's love for me. Most of the time I allow myself to feel like a pawn in some Karma game.

I know that my love is self-centered and self-seeking. I feel that most of the time other people love me because of what I do for them. Because human love is so imperfect, it is hard to grasp that there is such thing as perfect love in God. It is so hard to think that God actually cherishes me.

This idea changes everything. Without this concept there is no point! Without God's love I would be a victim of life, but I'm not.

So today is gloomy, but I'm trying to remember this- In this life I deserve nothing, but God is enamored with me and will give me what he deems best and I need to trust that it is as he said, "Good". Life is hard. It is not what I thought it would be and I'm still asking God "Why?", but there comes a point where you either have to give over to the pain or trust that there's more to this. I choose the latter knowing that I'm going to struggle with it.

I'm sure in another few weeks I'll be writing about how I forgot about this again, but for now I'll try to hold to that truth and I'll leave you with a picture from a 70 and sunny day.