The Start of 2009

I honestly don't know what to write here. I know that I want to be able to express myself but I am so numb inside that I don't know what to say.

My wonderful boyfriend of almost a year and I called it quits yesterday.

I wish that I had a better vocabulary to properly explain how I'm feeling, but I don't. I guess the best that I can do is to say that I feel vacant.

I feel angry at God for introducing someone into my life and then not allowing it to continue.

I hate the fact that I have given a piece of my heart to someone just to lose it.

I hate that happy memories, although there will be a smile on my face when I think of them, will also now bring sadness.

I don't understand. Maybe someday I will. Maybe I never will, but what's done is done and playing the martyr and continuing to dwell will only break my heart more.

Even though I'm angry, God is still in control. Another chapter in my life has closed but in the next chapter the story continues with me hopefully becoming a better, more loving person with more wisdom and strength than in the previous chapter.

I can only hold to this right now. My hope must be in this. My life has changed and will continue to change. Uncertainty is inevitable, but God is steadfast. I don't feel it all the time, but faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see (Heb 11:1).

God help me to become a better woman through all of this. I can't handle the thought of not coming out of this loving God more and loving others more.

Time to make a change. Hello 2009. You are definitely not what I was expecting.