I don't like....

I don't like where I am at in life right now.

A friend of mine when talking about their very painful situation said "Christ is ever present in this pain. May I come out of this a stronger more faithful child of God."

At one point this is where I was too. I thought "This, this is what God is going to use." And he did but then I stopped allowing myself to be directed. Somewhere in this journey from pain to redemption I allowed the healthy self-protective mode to do the directing. I don't know when. Somewhere along the line my self-protection moved to self-preservation which has become an large increase in self centeredness.

Self self self self.

Somewhere on this path of one week, one day, one moment at a time it became one person and her survival.

Don't get me wrong, there is a time to be protective. You need to stick up for yourself, but it's funny how the moral of my recent chapter of life- trust God...no need to try to be in control- has quickly faded into the background.

I've stopped paying attention to how God can use my hurt. I stopped paying attention in everything. It has become about my survival, but this survival is lonely and the passivity of my nature right now does not encourage growth and I let it be this way. Time to change huh?

Pastor Jim talks about how prayer is one of the first spiritual disciplines to go. I think that he's right and I know that it shows in my life right now.