Walls, walls, and look more walls.

I was sitting in church this Sunday and it hit me- I'm so disgustingly self-centered. I mean I knew this, but every once and a while I come out of my self-absorbed shell and catch a glimpse of my wretchedness and Sunday was a beautiful day of just that.

All of us have walls.

All of us cope with our insecurities, our life circumstances, our pain, our hurts, and our battle scars that we feel come from others.

Little by little we allow brick by brick go to be added and the wall of protectiveness grows in height and depth keeping us safe from the hurt that is waiting around the corner. Little by little we allow that wall to become a daily part of our personality. Brick by brick our reactions to uncomfortable, bad, or even good situations are established and ingrained into our hearts.

Pretty much everyone I know has coping mechanisms that involve their walls. Some hide it better than others, some are defensive, some make jokes.....

I moved to Nashville in the spring of 2007 and self-absorption protected me. I found that it was easier to just to worry about myself rather than trying to cope with the uncertainty around me. It was easier to retreat within myself. I eventually got out of that phase and made amazing friends and probably experienced the best months of my life.

I was the new girl again recently. For a few months I worked at the Opryland Hotel.
My self absorption had taken hold again. I've been hurt and so I operate almost as a dog that has been beaten. Before people had a chance to get to show me who they were I cowered and ducked, but the way that I did this is (and I still do) is by talking about myself and not asking anyone any personal questions. If I don't know, I don't have to care, I won't get hurt.

I'm working with a lot of people that don't share my faith. How is this attitude portraying the love of Christ? It's not. How am I being a witness to the wonderful things that God has done in my life if I'm so concerned about people hurting me that I can't see past my current wounds and my potential wounds to the hurt that others feel? I'm obviously not paying attention to the wonderful things that God has done in my life. If I was, I would be secure in the fact that he's taken care of me thus far and will continue to do so. I guess as soon as we stop looking at how we've been blessed and start dwelling on how we've been hurt, we start building those walls. God forgive me for all the times that people need hope and I fail to deliver it because I'm lost in myself.

I hope this makes sense. I'm practically falling asleep as I write this.