I’m going to attempt to do this again. As I said in my very first entry, I am so good at walking through life blindly and unengaged. Stopping to write down thoughts requires me to think about life. So if I stop to write, I am forced to stop and think.
Today has been a day of thinking. This morning has been a good morning. Let me explain my setting. Setting is extremely important to me. This is probably not a good mindset, but I think it’s an extremely girl like mindset and for me it is hard to get away from. If you’re a boy you probably will just want to skip the next paragraph (I know that not all boys will want to!) or two….okay perhaps even three. This is like a Coose Your Own Adventure book…go to the asterisk if you don’t give a crap about where I’m sitting.
I am sitting on my back patio (I moved a month ago out of the Thompson’s house down the road into a house with some friends) at our table. One of the selling points for the house (we rent so is that a selling point?) was the back patio. It’s a big cement slab covered with an aluminum overhang that leaks when it rains. Well it’s not raining now and this Nashville July morning isn’t too unbearable to sit outside in. It’s a little warm but there’s a nice breeze. Something has been running across the aluminum roof all morning …at least that’s what I think is happening…it could very well be the sound of the roof about to collapse.
On our patio table that the previous renters left for us I have 4 books, my journal, and beautiful mug filled with vanilla ginger green chai tea that was sent to me by the lovely Mary Miller. There is also an empty pudding cup. Yes, I had a pudding cup for breakfast. 1. I’m an adult and therefore I can. 2. I have no food staples and should be shopping right now rather than writing this. What I’m trying to get at here is this- It is a beautiful morning and a beautiful setting and I am blessed with a peaceful moment.
* Boys you can start reading here again. You have been mauled by a tiger and now no girl will ever love you. It’s not because you were mauled, it’s because you’re not good at listening to girls being girls. Suck it up and read the previous two paragraphs or forever be alone.
I finished up To Become One by Chris Seay (highly recommend it if you’re interested in a God centered relationship) this morning and started The Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning. I was struck by these several quotes in the RG. Again I find that I am never struck by anything but the most basic concepts. I am constantly taking faith essentials for granted.
“If we but turn to God, that itself is a gift of God”- St. Augustine
“Children are our model because they have no claim on heaven. If they are close to God, it is because they are incompetent, not because they are innocent. If they receive anything it can only be as a gift.”- Brennan Manning
“Simply accept the fact that you are accepted”-Paul Tillich
But he said to me (Paul), “My grace is sufficient for you for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weakness, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ then, I am content with weakness, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am stong. – 2 Corinthians 12:9
I am by nature a people pleaser. I think I have mentioned this countless times. I am also the first born, the good Christian kid, and have an extreme need for feeling appreciated and accepted. All of these things put together make a real mess, especially in my spiritual life, but rarely do I admit it’s a mess. I play the hero and try to wade through the crap that I have created in my life. I don’t need help, I can do it all myself or so I think.
I have struggled all my life (I don’t know when I became a Christian…be appalled by that if you wish, but it’s true) with trying to win God’s favor. If I do this, he will love me more. If I don’t do this, he will take something away from me. Deep down inside, I know that none of this is true, but I’ve lived my life this way for so long that it takes a lot of digging to get back to the fundamentals of faith- Grace.
Grace is not an easy concept for me. Because I don’t have life changing conversion experience, I don’t remember a time when I was without God. The reality is that everyday I need his grace, but it so easy to convince myself that I’m not that bad, and what I’m bad at, I need to be better at.
Today I was reminded that even my recent lapse (one of many lapses in the cycle of my life) in putting God first in my life is forgiven and I am still loved. My ability to read my Bible, pray, do good things is only by God’s grace. Without God, I wouldn’t be able do any of these and my constant trying to do it by myself, to win God’s favor is why I’m coming up short in this area. Yes, I do need to make time, but God is the only one that can change my heart in regards to it.
This is what I wrote in my Journal.
I need to be broken again.
I need to not think that I by myself am holy.
I need to understand that I am deeply loved.
I was reminded for the millionth time (I am so dense) that responding to God’s love is the only way in which I can have a pure relationship with Him. Doing anything for any other reason is just me trying win brownie points. Like I said so basic, but without this I miss out on everything.
This afternoon I'm going to hang out with two more recent dear friends- Jenni and Melanie and tonight I'm going to eat pizza with more people that I love and then go see the new Batman movie. Thank you God for Christian Bale...I mean friends.
