Trust

Today the weather is gloomy...again. As much as I love how much warmer the winters are here, I hate how gray they are. At least in Chicago the snow reflects the sunlight and things seem brighter, but not here. Everything is drab. The grass is dead, the trees are bare, and the sky is gray. At home there are at least evergreens that help to add a little bit of color, but there are also subzero temperatures.

My life as of late has felt a lot like the weather here. One day it's sunny and 70 and the next 5 days are gray skies and 30.

I've realized that I have believed that life would wind-up being like the fairy tales I so loved as a kid. That if I remained the good girl everything would work out the way that I wanted it to and I wouldn't ever get hurt. That if I put the good girl coin in the magic God machine my perfect life would come rolling on out. The past few months have showed me that, that is not the case. Good things become difficult things, good people hurt you, and good intentions don't always go where you think they will.

I feel betrayed. I feel betrayed and lied to and it hurts and has left me very confused. I feel like I've been part of a big joke.

I was sitting in the eye doctors office this morning (my last contact slid down the drain and heck if I'm going to wear my glasses that make me feel self-conscious) and while I was waiting I read this.

Though we often disregard our need for an unfaltering trust in the love of God, that need is the most urgent we have. It is the remedy for much of our sickness, melancholy, and self-hatred. The heart converted from mistrust to trust in the irreversible forgiveness of Jesus Christ is redeemed from the corrosive power of fear.....

...The Basic Premise of biblical trust is the conviction that God wants us to grow, to unfold, and to experience fullness of life. However, this kind of trust is acquired only gradually and most often through a series of crises and trials....

...the essence of trust in the Hebrew and Christian scriptures: to be convinced of the reliability of God....

Uncompromising trust in the love of God inspires us to thank God for the spiritual darkness that envelops us, for the loss of income, for the nagging arthritis that is so painful, and to pray from the heart, "Abba, into your hands I entrust my body, mind, and spirit and this entire day- morning, afternoon, evening, and night.....

The way of trust is a movement into obscurity, into the undefined, into ambiguity, not into some predetermined, clearly delineated plan for the future.

-From Ruthless Trust by Brennan Manning

There was so much more in that chapter. I wish that I could type it all out. You'll just have to read the book yourself.

So I'm learning again. I really like learning but this is one of those moments where God is pulling my fingers off of what I'm grasping. I've been white knuckling it and it's painful. I am not in control of my future and no matter how hard I try I'm going to get hurt, but I can hold to the fact that God loves me.

Why is it that the most basic elements of the Christian faith are the hardest to grasp? I know that I have to CONSTANTLY be reminded of God's love for me. Most of the time I allow myself to feel like a pawn in some Karma game.

I know that my love is self-centered and self-seeking. I feel that most of the time other people love me because of what I do for them. Because human love is so imperfect, it is hard to grasp that there is such thing as perfect love in God. It is so hard to think that God actually cherishes me.

This idea changes everything. Without this concept there is no point! Without God's love I would be a victim of life, but I'm not.

So today is gloomy, but I'm trying to remember this- In this life I deserve nothing, but God is enamored with me and will give me what he deems best and I need to trust that it is as he said, "Good". Life is hard. It is not what I thought it would be and I'm still asking God "Why?", but there comes a point where you either have to give over to the pain or trust that there's more to this. I choose the latter knowing that I'm going to struggle with it.

I'm sure in another few weeks I'll be writing about how I forgot about this again, but for now I'll try to hold to that truth and I'll leave you with a picture from a 70 and sunny day.

Be Still My Soul

In Women's Bible Study Kim had us listen to a recording of Lisbeth Scott's rendition of Be Still My Soul. I can remember singing this song as a child but haven't heard it in awhile and I can't think of any song that speaks to me more right now. Below are the original lyrics.

"Be Still, My Soul"
by Catharina von Schlegel, 1697-?
Translated by Jane Borthwick, 1813-1897

1. Be still, my soul; the Lord is on thy side;
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul; thy best, thy heavenly, Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

2. Be still, my soul; thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence, let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul; the waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below.

3. Be still, my soul, though dearest friends depart
And all is darkened in the vale of tears;
Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,
Who comes to soothe thy sorrows and thy fears.
Be still, my soul; thy Jesus can repay
From His own fulness all He takes away.

4. Be still, my soul; the hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul; when change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

Rebound Update

It will be 3 weeks on Saturday since Rebound became the man of the house. The picture that I posted in the last blog isn't actually him. When I got to the breeder's (which was 2 hours away) the breeder told me that I was going to mad at them because they sent me a picture of his sister. My heart sank because by the way that she worded things, I was expecting a hideously ugly puppy, but then she pulled him out of his carrier and he stole my heart (as you'll soon learn, like most boys, Rebound enjoys messing with my heart.)

If you remember the picture from the last blog, you'll remember how huge the puppy's ears are. Well, Rebound's ears aren't as large and in fact the tip of his left ear was bitten off by one of his sisters (perhaps she was jealous?). Here's a picture of the baby with Jesse. I need to take new photos because already he has way more hair, his right ear is sticking straight up, and he's already bigger :(



From www.cairnterrier.org-

The Cairn Terrier in America is a sensible, confident little dog, independent but friendly with everyone he meets.

My confident dog is afraid of the following:

• boxes (he was terrified of a empty rice box the other day)
  
• geese
• sparrows
  
• the neighbor
  
• airplane noises (which is bad because I live by an airport)
  
• the wind
• bicycles
  
• moving cars
• riding in the car
• children's wagons
• other dogs
• garbage blowing toward him
• me crying (he tries to get off my lap or turns his head....typical boy)
  
• being house broken

Picture Frames

Tonight I'm spending the night overhauling my room. Yes, I know it's Friday night...how lame, but you see tomorrow I might be bringing home a 3 month old Cairn Terrier puppy that will want to do nothing but chew and I have a lot of things that invite chewing currently in my room.

Meet Rebound. Yes, the name is my doing. I have vowed for a long time that I would never get a dog. It's not that I don't like dogs (I actually love them), it's just that they take up so much of your life and I didn't want my life determined by an animal.

But you see, Rebound is going to be my rebound relationship. I think that I decided that I wanted to get a dog after one of my counseling sessions (I'm going to freely admit that I have been going to counseling for 6 months and I feel that everyone at some point in their lives should go to counseling. Don't judge me. Don't feel sorry for me. Sometimes you just need help to wade through the fog of life.). My counselor has a little dog that crawls up into your lap when you're pouring your heart out. I don't know if there is anything more comforting than that puppy sitting in my lap during those times.

I have those times at home too and I thought "Why not". I never do anything irresponsible. I'm always thinking about how my actions will influence the future. For once I'm going to just act upon an impulse. It's nothing immoral or wrong. It is going to make me stretch my budget a bit, but other than that, why not let myself live a little.

I need something to mother. People don't always want me to mother them, but I can't help it. It is probably the biggest part of my personality and now that I don't have someone to express my affection to, it has to go somewhere and I thought that a puppy would be the most appreciative of my love.

So tonight I'm cleaning my room. Tomorrow I'm hopefully bringing home the baby of the house. Tonight I'm thinking about how my inexpensive Wal*Mart picture frame has housed pictures of two different boys and is now empty and how that wasn't supposed to happen. Tomorrow many pictures will be taken of a small dog.

And throughout all of this I try to remember that -Tonight I am loved. Tomorrow I am loved. Always, I am loved.

The Start of 2009

I honestly don't know what to write here. I know that I want to be able to express myself but I am so numb inside that I don't know what to say.

My wonderful boyfriend of almost a year and I called it quits yesterday.

I wish that I had a better vocabulary to properly explain how I'm feeling, but I don't. I guess the best that I can do is to say that I feel vacant.

I feel angry at God for introducing someone into my life and then not allowing it to continue.

I hate the fact that I have given a piece of my heart to someone just to lose it.

I hate that happy memories, although there will be a smile on my face when I think of them, will also now bring sadness.

I don't understand. Maybe someday I will. Maybe I never will, but what's done is done and playing the martyr and continuing to dwell will only break my heart more.

Even though I'm angry, God is still in control. Another chapter in my life has closed but in the next chapter the story continues with me hopefully becoming a better, more loving person with more wisdom and strength than in the previous chapter.

I can only hold to this right now. My hope must be in this. My life has changed and will continue to change. Uncertainty is inevitable, but God is steadfast. I don't feel it all the time, but faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see (Heb 11:1).

God help me to become a better woman through all of this. I can't handle the thought of not coming out of this loving God more and loving others more.

Time to make a change. Hello 2009. You are definitely not what I was expecting.

Speaking the Truth in Love

I'm angry right now. I am frustrated with Christian brothers and sisters who make us look like uncaring, self-righteous hypocrites. In truth, I am a uncaring, self-righteous hypocrite but I'm not proud of it.

A few minutes ago I read the attached article on Heath Ledger and instantly my Agenda Radar (version 4.0) went off. I'm not going to comment too much on what the article said so perhaps read it for yourself and see what you think.

I'm increasingly sick of the need to take a story about a person's troubled life and use it as a lead-in to brow beat people for their Godless lifestyle. Don't get me wrong, there is A LOT of truth in this article. Most of what they say is true, but the manner in which they say it infuriates me.

I went to a Bible study at church last night and the speaker reminded us that we need to be careful as to how we use the Word of God. We need to check our heart and see what our motives are before we speak. She pointed out that even Satan uses God's Word (Matthew 4), but his motives aren't pure.

We need to be careful that we "speak the truth in love" (Ephesians 4:15). Yes, truth needs to be spoken, but we need not step onto our soap box for the purpose of being right.

Heath Ledger's death is definitely something that we should talk about. I honestly don't know if this was a case of suicide or not. That is not for me to say, but whether or not it was, one thing is for sure, people are hurting. We all know that there is more to this life than what we see and stars that achieve everything in life that they can possibly achieve and yet still don't feel fulfilled are a good example of the fact that there is something out there connecting us to something.

As Christians we need to show that there is more to this life. When we behave as Jesus did the world sees that we have the peace that they long for. Bible thumping is not going to make the world want what we have. Why would someone like Heath Ledger turn to a Christian during this time if he felt that he was going to be attacked for his lifestyle. I'm not advocating complete tolerance to his lifestyle, but how can we expect someone to act as though they have the Holy Spirit when they don't have the Holy Spirit. Our first concern is for them to know Jesus. Obedience is a response to God's love and if they don't know God's love how are they expected to act that way.

Anyways, that is my rant.

In Response to God's Love

I’m going to attempt to do this again. As I said in my very first entry, I am so good at walking through life blindly and unengaged. Stopping to write down thoughts requires me to think about life. So if I stop to write, I am forced to stop and think.

Today has been a day of thinking. This morning has been a good morning. Let me explain my setting. Setting is extremely important to me. This is probably not a good mindset, but I think it’s an extremely girl like mindset and for me it is hard to get away from. If you’re a boy you probably will just want to skip the next paragraph (I know that not all boys will want to!) or two….okay perhaps even three. This is like a Coose Your Own Adventure book…go to the asterisk if you don’t give a crap about where I’m sitting.

I am sitting on my back patio (I moved a month ago out of the Thompson’s house down the road into a house with some friends) at our table. One of the selling points for the house (we rent so is that a selling point?) was the back patio. It’s a big cement slab covered with an aluminum overhang that leaks when it rains. Well it’s not raining now and this Nashville July morning isn’t too unbearable to sit outside in. It’s a little warm but there’s a nice breeze. Something has been running across the aluminum roof all morning …at least that’s what I think is happening…it could very well be the sound of the roof about to collapse.

On our patio table that the previous renters left for us I have 4 books, my journal, and beautiful mug filled with vanilla ginger green chai tea that was sent to me by the lovely Mary Miller. There is also an empty pudding cup. Yes, I had a pudding cup for breakfast. 1. I’m an adult and therefore I can. 2. I have no food staples and should be shopping right now rather than writing this. What I’m trying to get at here is this- It is a beautiful morning and a beautiful setting and I am blessed with a peaceful moment.

* Boys you can start reading here again. You have been mauled by a tiger and now no girl will ever love you. It’s not because you were mauled, it’s because you’re not good at listening to girls being girls. Suck it up and read the previous two paragraphs or forever be alone.

I finished up To Become One by Chris Seay (highly recommend it if you’re interested in a God centered relationship) this morning and started The Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning. I was struck by these several quotes in the RG. Again I find that I am never struck by anything but the most basic concepts. I am constantly taking faith essentials for granted.

“If we but turn to God, that itself is a gift of God”- St. Augustine

“Children are our model because they have no claim on heaven. If they are close to God, it is because they are incompetent, not because they are innocent. If they receive anything it can only be as a gift.”- Brennan Manning

“Simply accept the fact that you are accepted”-Paul Tillich

But he said to me (Paul), “My grace is sufficient for you for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weakness, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ then, I am content with weakness, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am stong. – 2 Corinthians 12:9

I am by nature a people pleaser. I think I have mentioned this countless times. I am also the first born, the good Christian kid, and have an extreme need for feeling appreciated and accepted. All of these things put together make a real mess, especially in my spiritual life, but rarely do I admit it’s a mess. I play the hero and try to wade through the crap that I have created in my life. I don’t need help, I can do it all myself or so I think.

I have struggled all my life (I don’t know when I became a Christian…be appalled by that if you wish, but it’s true) with trying to win God’s favor. If I do this, he will love me more. If I don’t do this, he will take something away from me. Deep down inside, I know that none of this is true, but I’ve lived my life this way for so long that it takes a lot of digging to get back to the fundamentals of faith- Grace.

Grace is not an easy concept for me. Because I don’t have life changing conversion experience, I don’t remember a time when I was without God. The reality is that everyday I need his grace, but it so easy to convince myself that I’m not that bad, and what I’m bad at, I need to be better at.

Today I was reminded that even my recent lapse (one of many lapses in the cycle of my life) in putting God first in my life is forgiven and I am still loved. My ability to read my Bible, pray, do good things is only by God’s grace. Without God, I wouldn’t be able do any of these and my constant trying to do it by myself, to win God’s favor is why I’m coming up short in this area. Yes, I do need to make time, but God is the only one that can change my heart in regards to it.

This is what I wrote in my Journal.

I need to be broken again.
I need to not think that I by myself am holy.
I need to understand that I am deeply loved.

I was reminded for the millionth time (I am so dense) that responding to God’s love is the only way in which I can have a pure relationship with Him. Doing anything for any other reason is just me trying win brownie points. Like I said so basic, but without this I miss out on everything.

This afternoon I'm going to hang out with two more recent dear friends- Jenni and Melanie and tonight I'm going to eat pizza with more people that I love and then go see the new Batman movie. Thank you God for Christian Bale...I mean friends.