Changing Sites

I'm tired of the limited ability I have with Blogger. I use WordPress for work and it just makes more sense. From now on you can view my ramblings here http://fromchicagotonashville.wordpress.com/

So I'm Reading Again...

I used to blog all the time. I used to read all the time. They are directly related. So I'm reading again, and that means I might be blogging again. So I'm sorry and your welcome. You can choose what one you fall under. Side note I'm writing on my new MacBook Pro so I feel very trendy and educated. I am neither. But I am reading again....

I started reading the book of Jeremiah which I have never read. All I know from Jeremiah is 29:11 -For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

I like this verse a lot and so I figured there must be more where that came from. Jeremiah was sent by God with a message to Judah of judgement. They had turned from God and were worshiping idols. That's an extremely simplistic explanation. Today I was reading Jeremiah 2.

The chapter starts with this -

1. The word of the Lord came to me, saying, 2 “Go and proclaim in the hearing of Jerusalem, Thus says the Lord,

“I remember the devotion of your youth,

your love as a bride,

how you followed me in the wilderness,

in a land not sown.

The chapter goes on to ask why Judah turned away from God and why they turned to idols.

And then these verses really hit me. -

13 for my people have committed two evils:

they have forsaken me,

the fountain of living waters,

and hewed out cisterns for themselves,

broken cisterns that can hold no water.

And this verse which has a sarcastic tone-

33 “How well you direct your course

to seek love!

What are your broken cisterns? What is the "love" that we're seeking? Mine? Fear. Control. I was afraid of getting hurt to the point that I couldn't feel anymore. If I didn't feel, I didn't hurt. If I didn't let people get close to me, they couldn't hurt me. If I could just stay in control of what people did to me or in control of my life, I wouldn't have pain. Peace was a non existant concept. Here is God offering living water and I'm drinking out of a cesspool. I didn't believe the Jeremiah 29 verse. "I know the plans for you.." I understood the concept but didn't take it to heart. Meanwhile I made myself miserable and hurt people around me. For this I am deeply sorry. It's sad to think of the life that I could have been experiencing if I was only willing to realize that God was in control. I'm not dwelling on it, just learning. A friend posted this on Facebook - What you know today can affect what you do tomorrow, but not what you did yesterday." -Condoleezza Rice

So this is my prayer for us all-

14 For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, 15 from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named,16 that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, 18 may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, 19 and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.20 Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, 21 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen. Ephesians 3:14-21

Because this love changes everything....if we allow it to.

Like A Grown Up

I guess technically I've been a grown up for a long time now, but it hasn't been until the last couple years that I've honestly felt somewhat like one. There's nothing like driving home for Christmas to Chicago by myself that makes me feel more like a big kid. Well at least nothing as enjoyable. Every other big kid duty involves me writing checks to corporations.

Yesterday I made the 8 hour trek from Nashville to Chicago in my little Honda Civic. I woke up at 7:30 a.m. paid those corporations that needed to be paid and like a grown up, packed my clean clothes and my dirty clothes that I didn't have time to wash because I'm a grown up and I have other grown up things to do like watch a movie. I finally got on the road at 10 after making a detour to vacuum the unused loose leaf tea that spilled all over the floorboard of the passenger side of my car. The gas station didn't have a vacuum so I still have tea on the floor boards....because I'm a grown up....

Everything was going great. I was making good time, listening to Good Wives (the sequel to Little Women) audio book on my iPod, and enjoying the euphoric feeling of driving home for Christmas. Am I the only one that get's that feeling?

I stopped in Salem, IL to fill up on gas and use the rest room. I stop at the same gas station every time I go home. At first I didn't even realize I was doing that, but now it's become a tradition. Like the good nurse's daughter that I am (and civilized human being), I washed my hands after using the bathroom and like the paranoid nurse's daughter I am, I used my coat to shut off the faucet. As I did this my iPhone slipped from my coat pocket into a full sink of water and was completely submerged.

They say in times of emergency your adrenaline kicks in and you have super human strength. I once heard a story of a mother lifting the end of a car off the ground to save her son. Well my iPhone is not nearly as valuable as a child, and I didn't do anything that dramatic but without thinking twice, I whipped that phone out of the sink and shoved it under a hand dryer. Driving home by myself is not a good time to be without a phone.

Miraculously, I could still text but was unsure if I could make calls. I called my mom to see if I still could use the phone feature and my mom couldn't hear me. Great. Because I just wrote checks to those corporations and I'm off of work for a week there was no way that I was going to be able to buy a new phone and beside that, I still had 5 hours left to go. Like I said, my texting still worked so in my despair I sent my boyfriend, Jonathan, a "I hate my life" sort of text and he responded by saying "Get a bag of rice right now and put your phone in it." because that's his stock answer whenever I have a problem. It's like his Windex. (That was a reference to My Big Fat Greek Wedding and no, Jonathan does not tell me to shove my phone in rice anytime something bad happens.)

Anyways, as Bill Cosby says in his Noah skit- Riiiiiighhht. I'm in Southern IL. It's 50 miles to the next town. Immediately was not going to happen. But then there was Effingham. Yes. Effingham.

I pulled off in the fair city of Effingham, ran into Walgreen's and when they didn't have any rice, got directions to the nearest grocery store. Save-A-Lot. Yes. Save-A-Lot in Effingham where the customers in the parking lot all wear cameo and the clerk at the checkout asks me why I'm buying a bag of rice..... at the grocery store.

I purchased the rice and carefully inserted my phone in the bag and let it sit there for a couple hours. I would have let it set longer but I had to fish it out in order to call my dad to find out if I missed my exit. This fishing caused rice to fly everywhere so now I have tea on the floor and rice in my seat which sounds like the title to an Asian country song.

And guess what? It worked! My phone works and I'm home and enjoying not feeling like an adult and feeling like a kid at my parents' house. I hope you enjoyed my little adventure.

Have a very Merry Christmas and stay turned to the premier of the chart topping hit "I Have Tea On the Floor and Rice On My Seat".

I don't like....

I don't like where I am at in life right now.

A friend of mine when talking about their very painful situation said "Christ is ever present in this pain. May I come out of this a stronger more faithful child of God."

At one point this is where I was too. I thought "This, this is what God is going to use." And he did but then I stopped allowing myself to be directed. Somewhere in this journey from pain to redemption I allowed the healthy self-protective mode to do the directing. I don't know when. Somewhere along the line my self-protection moved to self-preservation which has become an large increase in self centeredness.

Self self self self.

Somewhere on this path of one week, one day, one moment at a time it became one person and her survival.

Don't get me wrong, there is a time to be protective. You need to stick up for yourself, but it's funny how the moral of my recent chapter of life- trust God...no need to try to be in control- has quickly faded into the background.

I've stopped paying attention to how God can use my hurt. I stopped paying attention in everything. It has become about my survival, but this survival is lonely and the passivity of my nature right now does not encourage growth and I let it be this way. Time to change huh?

Pastor Jim talks about how prayer is one of the first spiritual disciplines to go. I think that he's right and I know that it shows in my life right now.

Walls, walls, and look more walls.

I was sitting in church this Sunday and it hit me- I'm so disgustingly self-centered. I mean I knew this, but every once and a while I come out of my self-absorbed shell and catch a glimpse of my wretchedness and Sunday was a beautiful day of just that.

All of us have walls.

All of us cope with our insecurities, our life circumstances, our pain, our hurts, and our battle scars that we feel come from others.

Little by little we allow brick by brick go to be added and the wall of protectiveness grows in height and depth keeping us safe from the hurt that is waiting around the corner. Little by little we allow that wall to become a daily part of our personality. Brick by brick our reactions to uncomfortable, bad, or even good situations are established and ingrained into our hearts.

Pretty much everyone I know has coping mechanisms that involve their walls. Some hide it better than others, some are defensive, some make jokes.....

I moved to Nashville in the spring of 2007 and self-absorption protected me. I found that it was easier to just to worry about myself rather than trying to cope with the uncertainty around me. It was easier to retreat within myself. I eventually got out of that phase and made amazing friends and probably experienced the best months of my life.

I was the new girl again recently. For a few months I worked at the Opryland Hotel.
My self absorption had taken hold again. I've been hurt and so I operate almost as a dog that has been beaten. Before people had a chance to get to show me who they were I cowered and ducked, but the way that I did this is (and I still do) is by talking about myself and not asking anyone any personal questions. If I don't know, I don't have to care, I won't get hurt.

I'm working with a lot of people that don't share my faith. How is this attitude portraying the love of Christ? It's not. How am I being a witness to the wonderful things that God has done in my life if I'm so concerned about people hurting me that I can't see past my current wounds and my potential wounds to the hurt that others feel? I'm obviously not paying attention to the wonderful things that God has done in my life. If I was, I would be secure in the fact that he's taken care of me thus far and will continue to do so. I guess as soon as we stop looking at how we've been blessed and start dwelling on how we've been hurt, we start building those walls. God forgive me for all the times that people need hope and I fail to deliver it because I'm lost in myself.

I hope this makes sense. I'm practically falling asleep as I write this.

Living in the Moment

I am literally in the final hours of my vacation. Within the past week I have spent significant time in 2 different cities and have spent approximately 40 hours of that time traveling. Most of these hours have been spent in the Atlanta airport which is where I sit now waiting for my flight.

Waiting has been a huge part of this trip and I'm not good at it. I have been described as a mover and a shaker. I don't know what that means or if I am one but I do know that I'm always on the the move. Supposedly I have been that way since day one when I decided to lift up my head not long after I was born.

I'm 5' 1.5" and my normal walking pace is faster than most, even those that with a good 6 inches on me. Fast food here in the South is not fast enough. In a group of people I usually end up making the decisions because I don't want to wait for people to make up their minds.

I don't like to wait.

I like to know what the plan is and what it will take to execute it.

But that isn't always how life works...if ever... and that causes me great anxiety.

I've been reading a lot about waiting. Waiting for God, waiting for life, waiting for change. I'm starting to think that although waiting on the Lord is a must, maybe constantly waiting for the next opportunity to happen is really not good for us. I don't mean that we need to be reckless, careless, or irresponsible, but maybe we're missing the point.

I think I've been missing the point. All I have is here and now and most of here and now I'm spending on wondering what is going to happen next and what I need to do to get there. Most days I'm so worried about what is going to happen 3 days from now that I miss the beauty that is going on around me.

We're taught to plan for our futures, our college goals (boy did I fail there!), our future spouse, our retirement, our future children. None of this is wrong in itself! But when we are no longer present because our life revolves around the future, then there is something wrong.

I've noticed this as a problem for me especially in the special someone category. When I am worrying about how I'm going to find that person and worrying about the years ahead being alone, I'm missing out on the joy that God gives me today. He has everything taken care of. I can pine and fret about the fact that I'm 27 and still no sign of Mr. Right which means I'm not going to be Mrs. Right anytime soon which means there won't be any Right children for awhile, but what the heck does that solve? What it does is it keeps me from enjoying the life I have now and that is the only life I have. I'm not promised anything but now and now is what it is supposed to be and what it is good.

I have finally finished Ruthless Trust by Brennan Manning. I have to say that it has been absolutely instrumental in me crawling out of the dark pit that I was in and it is probably the most eye opening and life changing book that I have ever read. It spoke to the heart of my anxieties and helped me find peace in my Father's arms.

I read the last few chapters in the Atlanta airport on my way to Florida. I write this now on my way home to Nashville. I never imagined when I started this blog that my "safety net" would be unsafe or be pulled out from under me. Thankfully I didn't wind up splattered on the sidewalk. God doesn't allow that. He does allow for us to free fall for awhile though.

I don't want anyone to think that I have this all down or think that I have this all together. I still wake up occasionally in a panic or am driven to tears. I still feel like I should be blessed in the ways that I feel that I should be blessed. I'm human.

Let me leave you with a few things that touched me from my friend Brennan (I've never met the man but someday, we will get coffee. I will see to it!)-

We formulate plans to fulfill what we perceive to be the purpose of our lives (inevitably limited), and when the locomotive of our longings gets derailed, we deem ourselves failures..... Our disappointments arise from presuming to know the outcome of a particular endeavor.... Entrusting ourselves to Mystery, we move forward fearlessly, knowing that the future of the planet probably does not depend on what we do next....
However, in our faithful listening to God's Word, we often neglect his first word to us--the gift of ourselves to ourselves: our existence, our temperament, our personal history, our uniqueness, our flaws and foibles, our identity. Our very existence is one of the never-to-be repeated ways God has chosen to express himself in space and time. Because we are made in God's image and likeness, you and I are yet another promise that he has made to the universe that he will continue to love it and care for it....

Trust yourself as one entrusted by God with everything you need to live life to the full.

Thanks for reading.

Love,
Erin

Enjoying the moment and dancing with Michelle in the streets of Savannah.

So I just discovered that I can blog through my phone. This could be really dangerous. I wonder if it will let me use more characters than twittering does. Probably not. Which would defeat it's purpose.

Sitting at the Thompsons

Tonight I spent the evening at the Thompson's house watching a 4 1/2 year old Jesse Thompson. We had a wonderful evening. It's been awhile since Jesse and I have had one of our "dates" and I have forgotten how much I enjoy them.

For those of you that haven't been reading my blog since the beginning of my Chicago to Nashville journey (I think there's 3 of you that read this and you all pretty much know the story), I lived with the Thompson's a year.

I moved down to Nashville with the idea that God was going to do something huge. I was awaiting what that was and while waiting (or honestly while among it because God is always doing something) I fell in love with the magic that I felt here in Nashville. And as I've talked about before everything was supposed to work out in the fashion that I thought it should.

There are a lot of memories here in this house and although I had a great time with Jesse, I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes. I realize now that I came to Nashville as a little girl and now I'm an adult (maybe I should say reaching adulthood). The Thompson's house was a place of safety for me a stepping block into the real world.

I apologize that these blogs haven't been as cheery as they were in the past. I long for the wide eyed optimism I once had. I know that I shouldn't wish it back because that was a period in my life and this is the current period of my life, but the magic, the dreams that were once there have been replaced with reality. This all sounds really depressing and although I have my moments (a moment spurred this blogging on) I'm actually doing well. Everything right now comes down to trust and trying to dream what God has for me. I want to dream again, but I've learned that my human dreams can crash and burn with more explosive power than a fuel delivery truck (that visual is for all you boys that love the action movies). I want my hope and expectation come from the knowledge that God has a purpose and a plan for me and that He is trustworthy and faithful and loves me more than any human ever could. I want to wait in anxious anticipation for the next thing that He's going to do.

Addendum to Missed the Boat

Just so everyone knows, the prior blog is about how we as the church miss the essentials sometimes. It's not a knock against anyone just an observation. If it comes off as a rant to anyone or an accusation, it was not intended to and I'm sorry.

Erin

Missed the Boat

This is whole Modernism vs. Post Modernism is frustrating. To me it seems like anytime there's a name for the era, we've probably missed the boat. Anytime we try to correct what a previous generation overlooked or overdid, we over do it or overlook it in the opposite direction. To me (and excuse my ignorance because I am not very educated in this area) it seems like the farther and farther we get away from the basics of faith and the more humans try to figure it out (I'm not condemning searching or study at all) , the more we miss it completely. It almost seems like all the profound theologians of our time are just reeling us back into that boat that swam away from.

Again I could be wrong completely, but this is what I've observed recently in myself.

So here I am at an essential part of the Christian faith again- God's Holiness. It appears that I've been swimming next to the boat while holding on to the side with one hand (I don't know if it's been port or starboard. I looked up the correct term for the side of the boat so I'd look intelligent and it appears that there's not a generic term. Oh Well.). I knew that God was holy because I was told that God was holy, but I really had no concept of what that meant.

I feel that as a product of (dare I say it) the modernist movement I was taught theology in an outline format. Here's Roman Numeral One which leads to Point A, B, and C and all their subpoints. I don't think that I ever growing up heard a sermon on God's holiness or was encouraged to relish in the mystery and expanse of it. I mean I knew that God was perfect and we were not but the vocabulary stopped there.

And again, just like love, you miss the whole point without it and I'm again a pawn in the Karma game. Everything about God is boxed in nice and neat in my little "This is What God is" box, but life is so unpredictable and terrifying when you attempt to put God there.

Sometimes I wonder (and the emphasis is on wonder) if growing up in a Christian environment did me more harm than good in the truth department. Do children's stories about God, Sunday School, and little songs do us any damage? Again, I'm wondering, not stating. I definitely see the benefits, but I also wonder about the harm. When stories about our creator become stories told with a felt board and cartoon felt characters and cute songs, when youth group becomes a quick lesson in order to maintain a teenager's attention and in that time, syrupy lessons of why they should stay morally upright, and when sermons are bullet pointed and non thought provoking, are we doing more harm than good? I know that everything I listed has it's good merits, but I'm wondering (let me stress again WONDERING) why don't we encourage our children, teenagers, and young adults to have an awe of God, an awe of his power and his love, an awe of the weight of his glory? I know that the stories are intended to do that, but I feel like we stop short of the point and make them just stories. I know that there are churches and people that are encouraging awe, I just personally feel like I didn't attend one of those churches growing up. There were probably even people at those churches that I attended that were right on the mark, but I just didn't know about them.

I feel like I'm a product of an agenda Christian upbringing and I know that I have been an agenda pushing Christian. I wish that I would have taken the time earlier on to marvel at the Holiness of God, but I didn't. I don't think I knew to and to place the blame on my upbringing completely is foolishness because at some point in my life, it became my problem. I do believe that I now have the benefit of connecting the dots of what I was taught. I have to back pedal a bit but perhaps it's better than starting with nothing. I honestly can't say, I am where I am and there's no use dwelling on it.

Okay, I didn't intend for this blog to come out this way. So I'll leave you with a bit from Ruthless Trust that I read this morning and that prompted me to think and write.

The more we let go of our concepts and images which always limit God, the bigger God grows and the more we approach the mystery of his indefinablity.....

Yet I have never in my entire life heard a homily or a sermon on the glory of God shining on the face of Jesus (2 Cor. 3:18). Perhaps the reticence that contemporary preachers feel about preaching on this topic is due to the fact that we have never been brushed by the divine kabod (my note- Early this was described as the weight, greatness, eminence, power and authority of God.). Or perhaps we simply feel incapable of articulating the concept, we sense that to address it would plunge us and our congregations into absolute mystery. And mystery is an embarrassment to the modern mind. All that is elusive, enigmatic, hard to grasp will eventually yield to our intellectual investigation, then to our conclusive categorization- or so we would like to think. But to avoid mystery is to avoid the only God worthy of worship, honor and praise.

I'm Official

I'm beyond excited to be given the opportunity to be working with Whitney Carlson and Dove Wedding Photography. You're looking at their new associate photographer! You can check out my bio and my portfolio on Dove's site. http://www.doveweddingphotography.com

There are also a couple more images and a contest on www.doveweddingphotography.blogspot.com

By the way, Peter Carlson took my killer bio pictures and I love them.

Thank you to Zach and Marna Jane Bevill, Morgan and Greg Castillo, and Lisa Britt for being models for me the past couple weeks.

If you all know of any other couples that can still wear their wedding clothes, I need subjects.

You all are great. Thank you for encouraging and supporting me to do something that's a bit out of my comfort zone.

Trust

Today the weather is gloomy...again. As much as I love how much warmer the winters are here, I hate how gray they are. At least in Chicago the snow reflects the sunlight and things seem brighter, but not here. Everything is drab. The grass is dead, the trees are bare, and the sky is gray. At home there are at least evergreens that help to add a little bit of color, but there are also subzero temperatures.

My life as of late has felt a lot like the weather here. One day it's sunny and 70 and the next 5 days are gray skies and 30.

I've realized that I have believed that life would wind-up being like the fairy tales I so loved as a kid. That if I remained the good girl everything would work out the way that I wanted it to and I wouldn't ever get hurt. That if I put the good girl coin in the magic God machine my perfect life would come rolling on out. The past few months have showed me that, that is not the case. Good things become difficult things, good people hurt you, and good intentions don't always go where you think they will.

I feel betrayed. I feel betrayed and lied to and it hurts and has left me very confused. I feel like I've been part of a big joke.

I was sitting in the eye doctors office this morning (my last contact slid down the drain and heck if I'm going to wear my glasses that make me feel self-conscious) and while I was waiting I read this.

Though we often disregard our need for an unfaltering trust in the love of God, that need is the most urgent we have. It is the remedy for much of our sickness, melancholy, and self-hatred. The heart converted from mistrust to trust in the irreversible forgiveness of Jesus Christ is redeemed from the corrosive power of fear.....

...The Basic Premise of biblical trust is the conviction that God wants us to grow, to unfold, and to experience fullness of life. However, this kind of trust is acquired only gradually and most often through a series of crises and trials....

...the essence of trust in the Hebrew and Christian scriptures: to be convinced of the reliability of God....

Uncompromising trust in the love of God inspires us to thank God for the spiritual darkness that envelops us, for the loss of income, for the nagging arthritis that is so painful, and to pray from the heart, "Abba, into your hands I entrust my body, mind, and spirit and this entire day- morning, afternoon, evening, and night.....

The way of trust is a movement into obscurity, into the undefined, into ambiguity, not into some predetermined, clearly delineated plan for the future.

-From Ruthless Trust by Brennan Manning

There was so much more in that chapter. I wish that I could type it all out. You'll just have to read the book yourself.

So I'm learning again. I really like learning but this is one of those moments where God is pulling my fingers off of what I'm grasping. I've been white knuckling it and it's painful. I am not in control of my future and no matter how hard I try I'm going to get hurt, but I can hold to the fact that God loves me.

Why is it that the most basic elements of the Christian faith are the hardest to grasp? I know that I have to CONSTANTLY be reminded of God's love for me. Most of the time I allow myself to feel like a pawn in some Karma game.

I know that my love is self-centered and self-seeking. I feel that most of the time other people love me because of what I do for them. Because human love is so imperfect, it is hard to grasp that there is such thing as perfect love in God. It is so hard to think that God actually cherishes me.

This idea changes everything. Without this concept there is no point! Without God's love I would be a victim of life, but I'm not.

So today is gloomy, but I'm trying to remember this- In this life I deserve nothing, but God is enamored with me and will give me what he deems best and I need to trust that it is as he said, "Good". Life is hard. It is not what I thought it would be and I'm still asking God "Why?", but there comes a point where you either have to give over to the pain or trust that there's more to this. I choose the latter knowing that I'm going to struggle with it.

I'm sure in another few weeks I'll be writing about how I forgot about this again, but for now I'll try to hold to that truth and I'll leave you with a picture from a 70 and sunny day.

Be Still My Soul

In Women's Bible Study Kim had us listen to a recording of Lisbeth Scott's rendition of Be Still My Soul. I can remember singing this song as a child but haven't heard it in awhile and I can't think of any song that speaks to me more right now. Below are the original lyrics.

"Be Still, My Soul"
by Catharina von Schlegel, 1697-?
Translated by Jane Borthwick, 1813-1897

1. Be still, my soul; the Lord is on thy side;
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul; thy best, thy heavenly, Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

2. Be still, my soul; thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence, let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul; the waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below.

3. Be still, my soul, though dearest friends depart
And all is darkened in the vale of tears;
Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,
Who comes to soothe thy sorrows and thy fears.
Be still, my soul; thy Jesus can repay
From His own fulness all He takes away.

4. Be still, my soul; the hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul; when change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

Rebound Update

It will be 3 weeks on Saturday since Rebound became the man of the house. The picture that I posted in the last blog isn't actually him. When I got to the breeder's (which was 2 hours away) the breeder told me that I was going to mad at them because they sent me a picture of his sister. My heart sank because by the way that she worded things, I was expecting a hideously ugly puppy, but then she pulled him out of his carrier and he stole my heart (as you'll soon learn, like most boys, Rebound enjoys messing with my heart.)

If you remember the picture from the last blog, you'll remember how huge the puppy's ears are. Well, Rebound's ears aren't as large and in fact the tip of his left ear was bitten off by one of his sisters (perhaps she was jealous?). Here's a picture of the baby with Jesse. I need to take new photos because already he has way more hair, his right ear is sticking straight up, and he's already bigger :(



From www.cairnterrier.org-

The Cairn Terrier in America is a sensible, confident little dog, independent but friendly with everyone he meets.

My confident dog is afraid of the following:

• boxes (he was terrified of a empty rice box the other day)
  
• geese
• sparrows
  
• the neighbor
  
• airplane noises (which is bad because I live by an airport)
  
• the wind
• bicycles
  
• moving cars
• riding in the car
• children's wagons
• other dogs
• garbage blowing toward him
• me crying (he tries to get off my lap or turns his head....typical boy)
  
• being house broken

Picture Frames

Tonight I'm spending the night overhauling my room. Yes, I know it's Friday night...how lame, but you see tomorrow I might be bringing home a 3 month old Cairn Terrier puppy that will want to do nothing but chew and I have a lot of things that invite chewing currently in my room.

Meet Rebound. Yes, the name is my doing. I have vowed for a long time that I would never get a dog. It's not that I don't like dogs (I actually love them), it's just that they take up so much of your life and I didn't want my life determined by an animal.

But you see, Rebound is going to be my rebound relationship. I think that I decided that I wanted to get a dog after one of my counseling sessions (I'm going to freely admit that I have been going to counseling for 6 months and I feel that everyone at some point in their lives should go to counseling. Don't judge me. Don't feel sorry for me. Sometimes you just need help to wade through the fog of life.). My counselor has a little dog that crawls up into your lap when you're pouring your heart out. I don't know if there is anything more comforting than that puppy sitting in my lap during those times.

I have those times at home too and I thought "Why not". I never do anything irresponsible. I'm always thinking about how my actions will influence the future. For once I'm going to just act upon an impulse. It's nothing immoral or wrong. It is going to make me stretch my budget a bit, but other than that, why not let myself live a little.

I need something to mother. People don't always want me to mother them, but I can't help it. It is probably the biggest part of my personality and now that I don't have someone to express my affection to, it has to go somewhere and I thought that a puppy would be the most appreciative of my love.

So tonight I'm cleaning my room. Tomorrow I'm hopefully bringing home the baby of the house. Tonight I'm thinking about how my inexpensive Wal*Mart picture frame has housed pictures of two different boys and is now empty and how that wasn't supposed to happen. Tomorrow many pictures will be taken of a small dog.

And throughout all of this I try to remember that -Tonight I am loved. Tomorrow I am loved. Always, I am loved.

The Start of 2009

I honestly don't know what to write here. I know that I want to be able to express myself but I am so numb inside that I don't know what to say.

My wonderful boyfriend of almost a year and I called it quits yesterday.

I wish that I had a better vocabulary to properly explain how I'm feeling, but I don't. I guess the best that I can do is to say that I feel vacant.

I feel angry at God for introducing someone into my life and then not allowing it to continue.

I hate the fact that I have given a piece of my heart to someone just to lose it.

I hate that happy memories, although there will be a smile on my face when I think of them, will also now bring sadness.

I don't understand. Maybe someday I will. Maybe I never will, but what's done is done and playing the martyr and continuing to dwell will only break my heart more.

Even though I'm angry, God is still in control. Another chapter in my life has closed but in the next chapter the story continues with me hopefully becoming a better, more loving person with more wisdom and strength than in the previous chapter.

I can only hold to this right now. My hope must be in this. My life has changed and will continue to change. Uncertainty is inevitable, but God is steadfast. I don't feel it all the time, but faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see (Heb 11:1).

God help me to become a better woman through all of this. I can't handle the thought of not coming out of this loving God more and loving others more.

Time to make a change. Hello 2009. You are definitely not what I was expecting.

Speaking the Truth in Love

I'm angry right now. I am frustrated with Christian brothers and sisters who make us look like uncaring, self-righteous hypocrites. In truth, I am a uncaring, self-righteous hypocrite but I'm not proud of it.

A few minutes ago I read the attached article on Heath Ledger and instantly my Agenda Radar (version 4.0) went off. I'm not going to comment too much on what the article said so perhaps read it for yourself and see what you think.

I'm increasingly sick of the need to take a story about a person's troubled life and use it as a lead-in to brow beat people for their Godless lifestyle. Don't get me wrong, there is A LOT of truth in this article. Most of what they say is true, but the manner in which they say it infuriates me.

I went to a Bible study at church last night and the speaker reminded us that we need to be careful as to how we use the Word of God. We need to check our heart and see what our motives are before we speak. She pointed out that even Satan uses God's Word (Matthew 4), but his motives aren't pure.

We need to be careful that we "speak the truth in love" (Ephesians 4:15). Yes, truth needs to be spoken, but we need not step onto our soap box for the purpose of being right.

Heath Ledger's death is definitely something that we should talk about. I honestly don't know if this was a case of suicide or not. That is not for me to say, but whether or not it was, one thing is for sure, people are hurting. We all know that there is more to this life than what we see and stars that achieve everything in life that they can possibly achieve and yet still don't feel fulfilled are a good example of the fact that there is something out there connecting us to something.

As Christians we need to show that there is more to this life. When we behave as Jesus did the world sees that we have the peace that they long for. Bible thumping is not going to make the world want what we have. Why would someone like Heath Ledger turn to a Christian during this time if he felt that he was going to be attacked for his lifestyle. I'm not advocating complete tolerance to his lifestyle, but how can we expect someone to act as though they have the Holy Spirit when they don't have the Holy Spirit. Our first concern is for them to know Jesus. Obedience is a response to God's love and if they don't know God's love how are they expected to act that way.

Anyways, that is my rant.

In Response to God's Love

I’m going to attempt to do this again. As I said in my very first entry, I am so good at walking through life blindly and unengaged. Stopping to write down thoughts requires me to think about life. So if I stop to write, I am forced to stop and think.

Today has been a day of thinking. This morning has been a good morning. Let me explain my setting. Setting is extremely important to me. This is probably not a good mindset, but I think it’s an extremely girl like mindset and for me it is hard to get away from. If you’re a boy you probably will just want to skip the next paragraph (I know that not all boys will want to!) or two….okay perhaps even three. This is like a Coose Your Own Adventure book…go to the asterisk if you don’t give a crap about where I’m sitting.

I am sitting on my back patio (I moved a month ago out of the Thompson’s house down the road into a house with some friends) at our table. One of the selling points for the house (we rent so is that a selling point?) was the back patio. It’s a big cement slab covered with an aluminum overhang that leaks when it rains. Well it’s not raining now and this Nashville July morning isn’t too unbearable to sit outside in. It’s a little warm but there’s a nice breeze. Something has been running across the aluminum roof all morning …at least that’s what I think is happening…it could very well be the sound of the roof about to collapse.

On our patio table that the previous renters left for us I have 4 books, my journal, and beautiful mug filled with vanilla ginger green chai tea that was sent to me by the lovely Mary Miller. There is also an empty pudding cup. Yes, I had a pudding cup for breakfast. 1. I’m an adult and therefore I can. 2. I have no food staples and should be shopping right now rather than writing this. What I’m trying to get at here is this- It is a beautiful morning and a beautiful setting and I am blessed with a peaceful moment.

* Boys you can start reading here again. You have been mauled by a tiger and now no girl will ever love you. It’s not because you were mauled, it’s because you’re not good at listening to girls being girls. Suck it up and read the previous two paragraphs or forever be alone.

I finished up To Become One by Chris Seay (highly recommend it if you’re interested in a God centered relationship) this morning and started The Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning. I was struck by these several quotes in the RG. Again I find that I am never struck by anything but the most basic concepts. I am constantly taking faith essentials for granted.

“If we but turn to God, that itself is a gift of God”- St. Augustine

“Children are our model because they have no claim on heaven. If they are close to God, it is because they are incompetent, not because they are innocent. If they receive anything it can only be as a gift.”- Brennan Manning

“Simply accept the fact that you are accepted”-Paul Tillich

But he said to me (Paul), “My grace is sufficient for you for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weakness, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ then, I am content with weakness, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am stong. – 2 Corinthians 12:9

I am by nature a people pleaser. I think I have mentioned this countless times. I am also the first born, the good Christian kid, and have an extreme need for feeling appreciated and accepted. All of these things put together make a real mess, especially in my spiritual life, but rarely do I admit it’s a mess. I play the hero and try to wade through the crap that I have created in my life. I don’t need help, I can do it all myself or so I think.

I have struggled all my life (I don’t know when I became a Christian…be appalled by that if you wish, but it’s true) with trying to win God’s favor. If I do this, he will love me more. If I don’t do this, he will take something away from me. Deep down inside, I know that none of this is true, but I’ve lived my life this way for so long that it takes a lot of digging to get back to the fundamentals of faith- Grace.

Grace is not an easy concept for me. Because I don’t have life changing conversion experience, I don’t remember a time when I was without God. The reality is that everyday I need his grace, but it so easy to convince myself that I’m not that bad, and what I’m bad at, I need to be better at.

Today I was reminded that even my recent lapse (one of many lapses in the cycle of my life) in putting God first in my life is forgiven and I am still loved. My ability to read my Bible, pray, do good things is only by God’s grace. Without God, I wouldn’t be able do any of these and my constant trying to do it by myself, to win God’s favor is why I’m coming up short in this area. Yes, I do need to make time, but God is the only one that can change my heart in regards to it.

This is what I wrote in my Journal.

I need to be broken again.
I need to not think that I by myself am holy.
I need to understand that I am deeply loved.

I was reminded for the millionth time (I am so dense) that responding to God’s love is the only way in which I can have a pure relationship with Him. Doing anything for any other reason is just me trying win brownie points. Like I said so basic, but without this I miss out on everything.

This afternoon I'm going to hang out with two more recent dear friends- Jenni and Melanie and tonight I'm going to eat pizza with more people that I love and then go see the new Batman movie. Thank you God for Christian Bale...I mean friends.

Way Busy

So the past few weeks for me have been insanely busy. Between Cornerstone work, HM work, Mo Leverett work, and side projects for John, I feel like I will never finish. I've also been trying to balance church functions, youth group, small group, the little community we've got going on here, my spiritual life (on the down slope kids-read 2 blogs ago), the Thompson Family, visitors from home, concerts for work, and a relationship. I don't say all of this to get sympathy or to play let's see who's the busiest, I say this purely because I've come to the conclusion with a lot of help from James that I can't do it all.

I'm a major people pleaser and I have a really hard time saying no to anything. For some reason I have it in my head that if I don't do it no one will and then it won't get done. How self-centered of me. Honestly I'm not super stressed right now. I get stressed when someone else asks me to go somewhere or do something because rather than saying no, I start rearranging my schedule so that I can work them in. This is why I know that I'm too busy. I don't want to work people in. I want to be there whenever they need me. I know that is not always going to happen but I want it to be able to work the majority of the time.

I really feel that God brought me here to establish a community amongst people of my age group. When I first moved down here I waited and waited for people to invite me into their lives and there were a few that did and I thank God for them (Peter and Whitney, Danielle), but I was disappointed to see that people really weren't reaching out to me. One day Michelle and I sat down and decided that if we were going to have friends here, we were going to have to be the ones to start reaching out. If they weren't going to start coming to us we were going to go to them and with God's help I started doing that. It seems that everyone here wants community so badly but so many of them are scared to take the step to reach out. So I started inviting people over and introducing them to each other. One night I had I believe like 13 people over to the house to eat and hang out. It was wonderful and everyone kept saying how much they wanted to do it again.

I don't think that I'm God's gift to Nashville and I'm not trying to pat myself on the back, but I really feel that God brought me hear to link people together. I hate the word networking because it seems so slimy but I guess I'm kind of a networker down here.

Because I have been so busy, I feel like I've not been as active in this area of my life and I really miss it. This lead me to write the youth leader at Village 2 days ago and tell him that I could no longer help out with the youth group. This was probably one of the top 10 hardest things that I've had to do for 2 reasons- 1. Letting someone down. 2. Admitting that I couldn't do it.

Also this week, Mo and Gyroscope parted ways so that Mo could focus his money in other areas of his ministry. This was also hard for me because Mo and Rebirth are what brought me down to Nashville in the first place and this marks the end of that period in my life.

To try to sum this up...I miss you all. Thanks for being my friends.

On another somewhat related note-

My boss John J Thompson has just started up a blog called Thirty Three and a Third; Slow down and listen. He'll be talking about music, the Bible, the music business and anything else that slips into the faith / art / family vortex of his life. I personally love John's writing style and I thought a lot of you would be interested in this. His first blog is on the late Larry Norman http://johnjthompson.blogspot.com/.

Many of you may know John and not even realize it. He has been a presence in the Christian music scene since the mid 80s. You may have read his magazine (True Tunes News), been to his store in Wheaton, IL (True Tunes), been to his venue (Upstairs at True Tunes), read his book (Raised by Wolves), read one of his many articles, or even seen him working at Cornerstone. Currently John is the Creative Director at EMI CMG Publishing and President of Gyroscope Arts Inc. If you are really curious, you can read his bio at myspace.com/johnjthompson.

Also you should definitely check out Doug Van Pelt's blog. He recently went on a trip with Compassion International to Uganda. It's a REALLY good read.
http://www.hmmagazine.com/blogs/doug/

Something to Make you Laugh

These are people from my church and this in their entry into TN's 2007 48 Hour Film Project. It won Best Overall Film, Best Comedy, Best Sound Editing, the Audience Choice Award, Runner Up: Director, Runner Up: Screen Play, Honorable Mention: Editing. Please enjoy. I find it hilarious.